Laid Off: A Wellbeing Toolbox
A licensed psychotherapist on how to cope with the negative feelings associated with being laid off
As a labor reporter, I experienced a lot of harsh reality checks that pouring your heart and soul into a job doesn’t protect you from shitty bosses and shitty circumstances. Like layoffs.
Plus, working in journalism, I have seen a lot of my endlessly creative, smart, innovative, caring friends laid off. I know it’s not about them or the quality of their work.
I know these things, to my core. I’ve prided myself on my ability to understand that work is not family, and your job is not your identity. And yet, when I was laid off last year, it was like all of those convictions evaporated with my employer-provided health insurance.
I cried. I did something nice for myself. And then I hustled to find a new job. It took me around nine months to find my next full-time position, and with each passing month and automated rejection email, I felt deflated. I wondered — do I actually suck at all the things I thought I was good at? Do people read my cover letter and cringe? What’s wrong with me?
I had a lot of people in my corner in the immediate aftermath of the layoffs, but as time went on and the news wasn’t as fresh, that’s when I started to feel lonely. When I started to question my value as a person with each ghosting and rejection.
But it wasn’t a full-time job that shook me out of that negative headspace — though that a thousand percent helped with the stress of rent and health insurance — it was when I actively shifted my perspective and rediscovered myself in the people and activities I love outside of my professional life.
I know a lot of you feel a similar way, because a cool thing happened when I opened up chats to the Laid Off community — readers started threads to share their experiences and feelings. To give each other advice. To open up about the grief and stress they’ve been feeling.
So I asked licensed psychotherapist Olivia Verhulst for mental wellness advice for anyone struggling with a layoff. I hope you find something in here that helps you feel a little less hopeless or alone.
What are some common experiences people may go through after being laid off?
Lay offs result in quite an array of complex emotions for folks with grief, identity loss, and overwhelm often at the top of that list. Grief shows up in a lot of different ways in losing a job.
We may be grieving an ending of a chapter that we didn’t necessarily choose, including leaving people and environments behind that we once engaged with everyday. We may be grieving our professional identity or what we’ve known it to be for many years. It’s also possible we’re grieving the idea of the future we had envisioned for ourselves, now left with the task of filling in the blanks there. If this is you - this is a really normal experience to be having. And it’s worth noting - no experience, no feeling, is final.
What are a few approachable, actionable things someone can do to help with negative feelings associated with being laid off?
I would first suggest creating time to process. Lay offs can be fueled with a sense of urgency or panic around “what to do” and “where to go next”. That job hunt chapter will come - but that’s not where you are right now. Take some time to grieve, because avoiding the feeling process can result in overwhelm, burnout and resentment. Our mind and body can only handle so much at once, so allow them to take a breath for a moment after hearing this news. This may look like taking the first couple of weeks (if available) to understand what is happening and take a break from work.
Use support systems and create social time. There are seasons of giving support and seasons of receiving support in our lives. This is what support systems are for - lean on your loved ones, ask for help, and enjoy some social distraction where you can.
Try reality testing and challenging catastrophic thinking. When the scary thoughts and the ‘what ifs’ come on, don’t just let them spiral. Consider pausing, breathing, and changing your environment. Then ask yourself: In every previous life experience that felt impossible or scary - did that situation become manageable? Remember, thoughts and feelings are not facts!
Create structure and routine. After a week or so, consider creating some structure in your days. Your mind and body are used to routine, and this can be impactful for our mental health to maintain. Plan out your ‘working hours’ each day (networking, updating resume and LinkedIn, etc), exercise, and mindfulness rituals.
Find meaning and purpose in every day. Finding small ways each day to create meaning and engage in services outside yourself will help you get out of your own head! It will also remind you that so much life takes place outside of a job. Do something each day that makes you or others around you happy.
Be aware this is a common time to turn to old vices or maladaptive coping skills. Create and manage your ‘coping tool box’ throughout this time. Ask yourself early on, what are the tools, environments and people that I know are healthy and helpful for me?
A lot of people that filled out the Laid Off survey said they felt shame or embarrassed after being laid off. What would you say to someone who feels that way?
A lot of our identities can feel tied up in work, that’s normal. But the reality is: You are not your job. You are not your earning potential. These things have nothing to do with your inherent worth. Jobs, like most all other things, are meant to come and go throughout our lives.
Many times, layoffs don’t have too much to do with our unique skill sets and the value we have to offer. This may be a good time to also consider how you would be supporting a friend through the same scenario, and apply this same logic to yourself. For instance, do you keep your friends and loved ones around because of their employment status - or because of the person that they are?
A lot of people also said that shame and embarrassment prevented them from publicly sharing the news of their layoff. What advice would you give them?
I am a big advocate for privacy is different than secrecy. Big life events that are personal to you are fine to be kept private - AND - you may want to ask yourself if keeping this information to yourself is going to help you or hinder you in the long run.
When it comes to grieving endings, our support systems are our best friends (literally). When it comes to finding a new job, our networks and connections are our best friends. You don’t have to go into detail, but it could be more fruitful to own your layoff and let the world know you are available. Living in this authenticity may bring more relief than shame - and certainly more opportunities.
Some people are still looking for work after months, maybe longer. What’s something a person can build into their routine to take care of their wellbeing as time goes on?
This is the really hard part. The part where the initial shock has worn, the motivation might be waning, and hopelessness might be trickling in. It’s also where your coping skills, routine and grounding statements are more important than ever. My encouragement is to engage in expectation management around the idea that finding the right role should take time, and does include trial and error, and disappointment along the way.
It’s also a good time to try something different. For example, if most of your time has been spent scrolling for jobs everyday, try scheduling 5 calls with people in your network, or cold emailing your dream companies. This is also a great time to consider asking for professional support and starting therapy or coaching if you haven’t yet.
Lastly, I would encourage creating a note on your phone of hopeful mantras that on a good day, you know that you believe. Such as:
“Most endings in my life have resulted in meaningful redirections.”
“Fears are not facts. I don’t have to give airtime to every catastrophic thought that comes my way.”
“There is no time limit on my ability to find something great.”
“It is completely normal for it to take several months (sometimes many more) to find a new job.”
“The amount of time that has passed or rejections I have received is not indicative of a hopeless future.”
DISCLAIMER: THIS NEWSLETTER DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE
The information contained in this newsletter is for informational purposes only. This newsletter is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.
I love this but think something is missing. For many single people, being laid off is a serious threat to their survival. Unemployment benefits haven’t been raised for 20 years in my state. I only got 2 weeks severance and cannot pay rent or live on $400 a week. With the cost of living and being laid off multiple times I don’t have a large 401k or savings. And sadly I’m older. Your article mentioned someone looking for a job for 9 months. I would be on the street if it took that long. I wonder what resources they had that I don’t and many others may not. Thx!
I love this so much. We try to support ourselves and those around us, having something to share like this has weight and meaning to the words we share and our feelings.