Laid Off: And Newly Single
"Being open to everything not only kept me busy, but also helped me realize that the world is so much bigger than any job or relationship."
This newsletter is the coolest place on the internet to talk about being laid off. Wanna partner? Hit reply.
In today’s issue, we talk to someone who turned unemployed and single in the span of two days, and how that fundamentally changed her as a person.
A lot of people have told me that being laid off feels a lot like a breakup. That’s usually because many of us wrap up our self-worth and sense of self in our jobs and our relationships.
Breakups — and layoffs — are instances of forced disentanglements. Who are we without that person? Without that job?
25-year-old Chelsea is uniquely positioned to comment on the “is a layoff like a breakup?” question. Two days after the late-stage startup she worked at shut down overnight and laid everyone off, her and her boyfriend broke up.
“I felt lonely and hurt that there was little effort made to see me or care for me, and I realized that the relationship was adding more stress, instead of reducing it,” Chelsea said. “If I didn’t feel like I could go to my partner when things get hard, what’s the point?”
What reasoning did they give for laying you off?
The company shut down overnight because they had run out of money. Everyone lost their jobs in an instant and we weren’t given our last paychecks until a year after.
Did you have to chase them down for your last paycheck?
Yes. They didn’t pay our last two paychecks, a full month’s worth of pay. We didn’t get paid until seven months after the shutdown.
How did they handle layoffs?
It was dropped on us during a regularly scheduled monthly all-staff. They said “don’t come into work tomorrow”, told us that they were looking to get more funding and would let us know in two weeks. They didn’t end up getting more funding.
Did you have any sense the company was going to shut down? What was the vibe like the week before it happened?
Honestly, it caught me completely off guard. The higher ups kept their cards really close to their chest. Even my manager had no idea. In hindsight, there were a lot of signs… events kept getting canceled, people were getting laid off, budgets were getting tighter.
They were adamant that the company was doing fine, and there was nothing to worry about. We were running operations as normal, and I was under the impression that they were prioritizing the budget for other projects. Silly me!
What was the first thing you did after receiving the news?
The majority of my coworkers and I went to a brewery across the street from the office and commiserated. Everyone was in shock, pissed, scared, or sad. It was surreal. Since everyone essentially became unemployed overnight, some of us took turns hosting get togethers.
Who was the first person you told after getting laid off?
I texted my partner at the time. We ended up breaking up two days after I got laid off.
I've had some people describe the feeling of being laid off as "like a breakup." You went through an actual breakup right after layoffs. What was that like? Do you think there is some overlap in the emotional toll each of these takes on someone?
It was hard! I felt so lost and confused. Building a career and a relationship takes time, and I had devoted a lot of time to both of them, and not a lot to myself. Losing them in the span of two days felt like the rug got pulled from under me. I felt a profound loss of stability, routine, and even a loss of identity.
Since I had moved to this city specifically for this job, right out of college, I didn’t have a strong local community and my days revolved heavily around work. I started dating my now-ex pretty soon after I had moved to the city, so I was wrapped up in his life before I was able to build out my own. Without the job or the relationship, I didn’t know who I was in this new chapter of life. I felt like I had to rebuild everything from scratch.
If you don't mind me asking, did the layoff have any impact on your relationship and it ending? In that, did it factor into the decision or bring any feelings to light? Did you ever talk about your ex in the context of, we're breaking up and I just got laid off?
It definitely did. One of the recurring issues in our relationship was me feeling unsupported during difficult times, and him feeling frustrated that he couldn’t provide what I wanted. I think I always knew in my gut that we weren’t compatible, but I kept pushing down the feeling in hopes that we could work things out.
It all came to a head when everything went down with my job. I felt lonely and hurt that there was little effort made to see me or care for me, and I realized that the relationship was adding more stress, instead of reducing it. If I didn’t feel like I could go to my partner when things get hard, what’s the point?
We broke up after we both acknowledged that he wasn’t able to provide the support I was looking for.
If being laid off has changed how you view your relationship to work, can you share how?
It was my first full-time job right out of school. It wasn’t the best working environment for me, but I felt like it was something I had to accept and was stuck with. The layoff was a blessing in disguise, because it reminded me that I don’t need to accept subpar situations because it’s where I landed. The world is wide open and even though this change was forced on me, I have the option to take control of a situation to end up in a better place.
Say you're playing layoff detective. What signs would you be looking out for to predict whether layoffs are coming?
Budget costs, team restructuring, muddy company directions, and, I definitely should’ve known, a paycheck not going through. I sensed something was off when the usual drinks weren’t offered at our all-staff meeting.
You became unemployed and single in the span of two days. What was something you did after it all went down that reminded you that your job and your partner don't determine your worth?
I said yes to everything! My schedule was now wide open and I suddenly had the luxury of spontaneity. I told my friend/coworker about my breakup the morning after it happened, and she invited me on her four day road trip. 24 hours later, I was 200 miles away playing fiddle with a group of strangers in the middle of a state park.
I tapped into my community of friends and family. They helped me process my emotions, talked me through different job options, sent me food, asked guiding questions, and essentially kept me moving. They helped build me back up and remind me of my worth.
I actively kept busy by scheduling calls with everyone who reached out to me on LinkedIn, applied to every applicable job listing I found, and met with coworkers who were all in the same boat as me. I learned about so many potential opportunities, and received a lot of career guidance. It helped me build connections in the industry that I still keep in touch with to this day.
Being open to everything not only kept me busy, but also helped me realize that the world is so much bigger than any job or relationship. There are so many opportunities out there, and I don’t need to be tied to a specific job or person just because it’s just how things worked out. I have the power to reclaim my life and build it out the way I want to.
When you experienced that clarity, that you are so much more than a partner and a job, did it help you decide what you wanted next out of both of those things?
Absolutely. This experience made me reflect on what I enjoyed about the job I had, and what I disliked. As I interviewed for new jobs, I leaned towards roles that supported my preferences, and identified red flags to avoid. This experience also helped me realize that I needed a partner who is able to support me through hard times and the importance of trusting my gut.
Since then, I have grown so much in my career, beyond what I could’ve imagined if I had stayed at my original job. I’m currently in a relationship with someone who undoubtedly provides the support and partnership I had been looking for. It has been such a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed. The layoff-breakup combo was brutal, but in hindsight, it was probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me.
What would you say to someone who might also experience a breakup around the same time as a layoff? Some advice?
First, I’d say: Dude. That sucks. I’m so sorry.
Then, I’d tell them that it’s okay to feel sad and angry and to grieve. It’s okay to feel anything you want to feel. There are moments where you feel like there is nothing anyone can do or say to make you feel better, and that’s okay. Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t let them hold you back. Go out and try new things, even if all you want to do is lie down and be sad. Lean on your support network, your family, your friends, and find out who you want to be, without all the noise. If you can, take a little bit of time to reset. See this as an opportunity for a fresh start and new chapter. You got this.
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